“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.” ~Mark Twain
I saved this post for last for a few reasons. First, in many ways it’s the most important, because it ties everything together and is at the crux of why we do what we do. It’s also one of the hardest and most frustrating to write, and the one I’ve been losing the most sleep over.
I’ve come to a disheartening realization lately. What I said in part one about feeling like I’m alone in many ways was the truth… too Christian for the unschoolers, too unschooly for the Christians. But the fact is, in some cases that feeling is self-imposed. The unschoolers I know have, as a whole, been extremely welcoming and non-judgmental. As my unschooling circle grows, I’m just more and more thankful for its presence, and proud to be part of it.
Christian homeschoolers are, sadly, not as welcoming. I’ve read, and received, a lot of harsh words from other Christians who take issue with what I’m doing, from unschooling to discipline to television habits.
The ironic thing though, is that the harshest comments actually tend to come from a segment of other Christian unschoolers, those who are quick to denounce the term “radical”. And they don’t mess around about it. Seriously. Hell hath no fury like a don’t-call-me-radical Christian unschooler scorned.
And frankly, I’m confused. They decry secular unschoolers for being “judgmental” of some of their choices as Christians, while they talk out of the other side of their mouth about how “sinful” radical unschooling is, how “stupid,” how it’s a “contradiction to the word of God,” how those kids will grow up to be wild and rude, with no discipline, no respect, no self-control.
Um. Wait… who’s judging who?
Here’s the thing:
I call myself a radical unschooler. And the reason I call myself a radical unschooler, as opposed to a garden-variety unschooler, is that I’ve taken the freedom, the respect, and the trust that I have for my children’s education, and extended it to all other areas of our life and our relationship. That does not mean that I’m like every radical unschooler you’ve ever met or read about. That does not mean that my house, and our life, looks like that of every radical unschooler you’ve ever met or read about. It seems like this should go without saying, but I’ve read too many things lately that lead me to believe that people have one – negative – stereotype of radical unschoolers, and they like to toss everyone in together.
We’re not all the same.
I feel like I need to make that distinction, because I keep hearing broad, sweeping statements like
“Radical Unschoolers let their children make ALL the decisions”
“Radical Unschoolers let their children be rude, out of control, and show no respect for other people”
“Radical Unschoolers don’t set any boundaries”
And then, inevitably, come the scriptures… how we’re commanded to “train up” our children. How we’re to chastise and discipline, and DEMAND RESPECT. How we’re to Train. Up. Our. Children. How to do anything less would be to doom them to a life of failure and a damaged relationship with God.
:::Pausing to take a deep breath:::
I want to be really clear when I say that I’m fully aware of the responsibility I have as not just a parent, but as a Christian parent, and one who is trying to raise children in Jesus’ footsteps. And I don’t subscribe to radical unschooling philosophies in spite of it… I do so because of it. Radical unschooling makes me think about how I’m treating my children, makes me think about what I’m modeling, makes me think about what respect means, makes me think about why I make the decisions I make as a parent… whether it’s asking my daughter to hold my hand when we cross the busy street, or telling my six-year-old that sure, he can have ice cream before dinner. Jesus had a lot to say about how to treat children. Not so much about bedtimes, time-outs, and required reading.
You’re shaking your head again. But, training! But, discipline! But, teaching them to respect you!
My three-year-old recently became enamored with the phrase “thank you.” She says thank you more than anyone I know. She was never taught to say thank you, but she has learned, because her father and I say thank to her, to her brothers, to each other. We show respect to her, to her brothers, to each other. I think there’s a big confusion here between the words “teach” and “learn.” We do not have to TEACH kids to have respect and discipline for them to LEARN to have respect and discipline. I do not TEACH my kids about the Bible, and about God and Jesus. But they LEARN because it’s a part of our life. We talk about it, we answer questions about it. We live it. We breathe it.
I “train up” my children – if that’s a phrase that works for you – by fostering our relationship. By modeling discipleship. By talking to them, by guiding them, by treating them the way I would like to be treated. By treating them the way that Jesus would treat them.
As for the radical unschooling misconceptions I listed above:
No loving, attentive parent truly lets their young children make all their own decisions. My daughter is still very young. She may decide that it’s a good idea to play in the middle of the 45 mph street (except she wouldn’t, because through modeling and guidance she has learned that it’s not safe). But if she did decide to go into that street, I would – as her parent – decide to keep her out of harm’s way. What if she decides not to comb her hair? Or decides not to eat her vegetables one night? Or decides to wear cowboy boots, polka-dotted tights, and a princess nightgown to the grocery store? Does giving her autonomy in those areas put her in harm’s way? Does letting her make those decisions conflict with the word of God?
Yes, our children get as many choices as we can possibly give them. And I get choices, and my husband gets choices. A true unschooling family operates as a working, breathing, give-and-take UNIT, not child-centered, and not parent-centered. My needs, my husbands needs, the kids needs: they all factor into the equation.
As to being rude, out of control, and disrespectful… we behave as well as we’re treated. And life is full of boundaries, whether we like it or not. There are externally imposed boundaries, and boundaries that we set ourselves without even realizing it. We set boundaries with our tone of voice, with the way we treat ourselves, and the way we treat others.
If a family has kids who are disrespectful, if the kids truly are making ALL the decisions, if there honestly are NO boundaries… maybe it has less to do with radical unschooling and more to do with that *individual* family’s choices.
I don’t begrudge anyone who isn’t a radical unschooler. Or who isn’t a homeschooler at all. That’s all part of the freedom I spoke about it in Part Two. We are free to raise our children, and educate our children, in the way we are individually led. For me, I am led to be a radical unschooler… to give my children choices and autonomy. To operate as their parent, their partner, their facilitator, and their friend. To support them and guide them as they grow and learn and follow their own paths, not mine. As a Christian, I fully believe that their path is laid out for them by someone who knows FAR better than I. I believe in that, and I trust in it. Radical? You bet. Unscriptural? Not at all.
And finally, I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t point something out. If you’re reading this, and you’re a Christian who bristles at my using the word, “radical,” think about this: If you’re going to be more than a follow-the-rules, Sunday-morning Christian; if you’re going to get out of your comfort zone; if you’re going to “walk the walk” and truly ask yourself what Jesus would do in all situations… you’re gonna have to get radical.
Jesus was radical. The Bible is RADICAL.
Being a believer should be radical.
~ Jennifer
See also: Part 1: Intro, Part 2: Freedom, Part 3: Humble Yourself.
Bravo. You put this into the best words I have ever come across. Jesus himself molded behavior for us to follow. Too often we say do as I say not as I do, but as parents we know that children always do as they see. Bravo for showing them Jesus. Living Jesus and being Jesus to them. That is what we should all strive to do. I never considered myself a radical unschooler, but you know I just may be.
Thank you! And yes, I find it to be a really strange dichotomy how many people really do love Jesus, and love their children… but somehow experience a disconnect when it comes to actually treating them in a Christlike way.
In some ways, I think it’s easier to give our children the freedom to choose to be different than it is to give other parents the same chance. Because if they’re choosing differently, are _we_ choosing wrong? Are _they_ judging us? Does God have room for all of those choices?
I struggle with this issue with my faith–seeing others different ways of walking in Christ and wishing I were like them, or judging them for being unlike me. I’m trying to let go of these labels and choose the way God has for ME, not anyone else. That helps me do the same for other people.
Here goes day 20 of that.
I’m so glad to have found this site! And what a great article series.
The past several months I’ve been reading lots of Gatto and unschooling material but only because it sounded interesting. Perhaps God was nudging me in this direction. I have felt this past year that my daughter is getting bored with what we’re doing so yesterday I took a “test” in Cathy Duffy’s book “100 Top Picks for Homeschool Curriculum”, tweaking it to reflect my daughter’s learning style rather than my teaching style. Guess what? Unschooling came out on top! Talk about a paradigm shift!
She’s entering what would most consider the high school years so I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to guide her in this new method while fulfilling my state’s requirements. Should be interesting.
Thank you, and good luck to you and your daughter! For me, once I started reading/learning about unschooling, there was NO turning back (and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Hi Jennifer,
I came across your recent 4 part series as I was searching for something to tell me whether or not unschooling is Biblical. I LOVED it. It has really been eye-opening for me. I too have 4 kids, and we have always homeschooled but just recently I have been reading a LOT about unschooling – something I NEVER thought I would EVER do or even be interested in. I bought Sandra Dodd’s “Big Book of Unschooling” and lo and behold, I have kind of been unschooling all along – I just didn’t realize it! I’m still researching and trying to figure out if it’s right for us, but thank you for your posts – they are super helpful to someone on the search
Thanks so much! I’m so glad you found the site, and that my posts were helpful for you on your journey <3
Amen!
Jesus was radical. The Bible is RADICAL.
Being a believer should be radical.
we just say we educate at home and skip all the labels – mostly because it is always evolving based on the family’s needs and the children’s interests.
I guess we are kind of radical that way. 
Oh yes, absolutely agree on the constantly evolving! Homeschooling/unschooling/home educating, whatever you want to call it, is never a static proposition… it’s a living, breathing, constantly growing and changing organism. Just like life.
I feel the same way (too unschooly for Christians; too Christian for the unschoolers) and it is frustrating to no end. I’m glad I have the interwebz for my fellowship, because it sure ain’t happenin’ here where I live (NJ).
I’m definately not a radical unschooler (I’m really good at being boss mom when it comes to chores, brushing teeth and going to bed), but I don’t have a problem with other Christians embracing the RU life. And it’s sad to hear there are Christians out there who judge harshly fellow believers.
Honestly, I think a lot of it comes from this new openness we have due to blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc. People think nothing of dropping a not-so-nice comment when sitting in front of a screen. I suspect some of that mentality is affecting our offline interactions too.
I too am VERY thankful for my online tribe! And I agree, I think the internet, even with all the positive things it has brought to my life, has also brought a new way to judge, bully, criticize, etc… all without ever having to really be accountable for our actions. It’s far too easy. I try really hard to act in the exact same manner online as I do off, for that very reason. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes I fail.
I loved this series of articles! I have been praying and feeling very compelled to take my kids out of public school for a long time now. In fact, before either of my kids were even in school, I felt like I didn’t want to send them away all day. My husband was not so sure. We tried k12 online public school, which was a miserable failure. My kids hated it, and they ended up begging to go back to public school. This was 3 years ago, and I have been praying all along about what to do, and still feeling this strong internal urge to bring them home. I really do believe God has listened to my prayers, and sent me little signs that have brought me to this website. I feel like you wrote these words straight to me. Seriously. I am so thankful for finding this site, and hopefully making some friendships and support, because I will be starting my homeschool/unschool/whatever you want to call it adventure very very soon. Thank you again for unknowingly giving me another bit of encouragement Jennifer!
Thank you, and you’re welcome!
I’m so glad my words encouraged you.
Jennifer, I am a Christian homeschooling mom new to unschooling. I really have enjoyed reading your blog. Sounds like your a great mom and doing your very best to raise your children in the love of Jesus. I too have felt a lot of the things that you have mentioned in this. Thank you for sharing!
Wow!
Awesome, just awesome!
Thank you for publishing the words we want to say!
I am also thankful for your posts. I have played around with the idea of unschooling for a long time, and even tried for a while only to let fear get the best of me. I felt the Lord pulling us back and i believe we are here for good now! I definitely feel the loneliness thing. It’s so hard to step out and do something different than everyone else around you. So i am loving reading your blog and how passionately you are living your beliefs. I am headed there too!
More power to you and thanks for sharing. Your thoughts are very insightful and perceptive!
Thank you! Your words were like a breath of fresh air.
I am awed by how much God has been changing our lives. My husband and I have just switched to unschooling officially with out really realizing that we were already doing it. Tonight the Lord reveled to me through part four that we are essentially Radical Christian Unschoolers. He has been talking to us about relationship a lot lately. I have always wondered how I was going to “teach” our girls about the Lord but now I realize that they already know Him and He is TEACHING them. Thank you so much for sharing with us your words are truly inspiring and eye opening.
You expressed yourself very well. I think what lights the fires about the “radical” end of unschooling is the way that some of the more prominent secular unschoolers write about it. One lady seems to have serious issues with the concept of authority, like being in charge was the sum of everything wrong in parentland. It’s the apperance of anti-authority that gets to Christians I think. They see crazy examples like that woman and her personal issues and think everyone “radical” functions like she does. The ideas surrounding “radical” bothered me pretty early on until I saw the difference between how secular and Christian unschoolers functioned under it.
OK, that’s it. Can you please move to Australia and live right next door to me?
I related to this post at a very deep level, and could identify with pretty much everything you said. I wonder if we took count of everyone on this planet that identified as a radically unschooling christian, how many of us there would be? Maybe not many, but it’s sure nice to find you!
LOL I got nervous when I saw the “OK, that’s it.” I’m glad it went the direction that it did! I’m glad you found me too.
I think people who truly do identify with both being Christian and the radical side of unschooling are few and far between indeed…. which makes connecting with others who get it all the more meaningful!
I am in a rough patch right now. We’ve been radically unschooling for just about 2 months full force ahead, just jumped right in and I have come from being an ultra-controlling, disciplining Mom. It has been an amazing and difficult and liberating experience to watch this transformation in us all but as of this week I feel horrible. My house is atrociously messy, my 7 and 12 year old boys play games all day and I barwly see them, my two year old will not listen to anything I do ask her to do, nobody seems to be eating right, I feel depressed and just want to lay in bed and watch tv with my 5 month old all day. I am beginning to question what of this was from God and what is not. I know it starts with me getting up and doing but i was doing and they just stayed glued to their televisions. I feel like we don’t really spend any time together anymore. I feel like they are not learning. How long will this deschooling process take? I too feel very alone between the unschoolers I am meeting and the Christian homeschool friends I have had for so long. I was so excited about unschooling and now I feel buried… Is this normal for me to go through times of feeling like this? Your writings are a comfort, reminder and encouragement. I am thinking about having times where we all work together to clean the house and we all spend time for a few hours a day learning about topics of interest and reading the bible, just to get us together and to hopefully inspire them. Our house is so different from what it was before and I feel like I have no one to talk to or gleen from except these blogs and what the Holy Spirit
showa my husband and I.
Praying for peace and wisdom. We never jumped right in, we slowly transitioned as God lead us, a little here, a little there (and knowing me that is a very good thing– I am a jump in with both feet type and my husband is NOT and it would have driven him crazy.)
We think of screens as just part of our world, just like paper is (I would read consntantly when I was young and my parents who were authority based and strict often forced me to walk away from my books which just made it worse.) Generally speaking deschooling takes 1 month for every year of school attended (including more structured homeschool/authority based parenting.) That includes the parents. So say our family for example– I was a special ed/elementary schoo lteacher and had actually been deschooling a bit already or it would have taken much longer. My husband just went through high school. My oldest was school at homed through about age 7-8, the other two had almost none (I think Es had a few months but she was too busy with her own stuff to pay attention anyway). So Rach took about 8 months to get it out of her system– slightly more because we were so structured and verbally rough with her. Shamus and I took a little over a year, he slightly longer just because I HAD been deschooling for a while (and we had never limited video games/tv so there was no overload on that, they naturally did it or didn’t as interest peeked and waned and we saw educational value in it because my husband taught himself pretty much everything on the computer, including spelling (he is now a writer- you can’t imagine his spelling when we met) and programming and we watch movies as entertainment with captions on because I have a hard time processing auditory stuff. So learning to see value in everything is part of the trick and we had already overcome that one. That all said, calling a family conference and praying together, explaining how you are feeling and asking the kids how THEY feel and if they can see learning happening where you don’t yet is fine. Praying together for wisdom, talking about cool things you would like to do and asking if there are cool things THEY would like to do, and just saying “Hey, I miss you all, can ewe do something as a family?” Is FINE. Talk it out, get all sides of the story, then when you get back to it, start deliberately looking for the actual learning happening (take pictures, make notes– anything even if it doesn’t seem valuable to you.) It is a mutual respect thing, loving one another thing, not a parents are miserable but the kids are happy thing.
Jennifer,
After reading this series, I find that I don’t have the words in my vocabulary to tell convey the stirring it my heart. I will just say this…Lord Jesus, you are so awesome for bringing Jennifer and christianunschooling.com to my attention today. Thank you for giving her the wisdom and touching her heart-for moving her to share this series will all of us. May you continue to bless Jennifer with your love, your wisdom, your strength, your comfort, and your guidance so that she can bless her family and others with the very same things. I ask these things in your name Jesus. Amen.